We fear not being the smartest person in the room. That is what I think, but even when you are the smartest in a room it is difficult to get people to get on your wave length. I think a lot of smart people believe they are smart because everyone tells them they are smart and oh look at all this person’s accomplishments, wow aren’t you so clever. I don’t know. I find that I struggle to connect with people intellectually because I speak language differently from how they do. I find that I need space to express myself, but also I don’t like too much attention because then it goes to my head. I’m happy just doing my thing and writing my thoughts as they come to me sometimes, just I don’t know what I want. Sometimes I want people, other times I want to be left alone, and feelings are so complicated. That is something that is hard to articulate, is how do you explain yourself without tying knots. I think people are scared that there will be someone smarter than them because they don’t know what that will mean. Meaning is a thing we all seek whether we know it or not, but it might not be something we can ever reach. Where is capital T Truth in this universe?
As the weather turns I find myself contemplating thoughts. Mostly I just let my mind wander. I’m fine just living in my own literary universe: a little pocket dimension of words. The sun is nice today, although slightly harsh. It’s nice being outdoors and drinking coffee and listening to music. The seagulls are trying to steal my food and work hasn’t been too stressful; it feels like I’m in a Murakami novel just before I receive a strange phone call.
Lunchtime is almost over and it will be time to return to work. I will post this somewhere on the internet and go about my day unknowing of the eyes who will read this, either today or in the future. Goodbye, little piece of writing. May you have a safe voyage. Bon voyage.